Hes home.

I can still smell him on my skin, a mix of the fragrance he was wearing and the beer on his breath. its a good feeling to have him home. its even better to feel SO loved. to know some one cares so deeply for you.

im gonna sleep now but i had to get it off my chest.

Isn't it amazing?

I have spent the last few days realizing what distance can really make you feel. I really didn't think i would miss this guy so much until he left for boot camp. i cant seem to wrap my mind around the feelings i am feeling. I have spent so much time trying to block out my emotions that i am scared to feel anything for him. maybe this will change through the next few weeks of letters, its got me wishing december was here. i am so scared to like love and lust after this guy. he is so different from everyone else. he tries really hard and even when he misses he manages to make me smile. i miss his stories alot too, he knew how to make me smile even when i was really angry.

long time no see!

I have seen that i havent updated in a while, i will work on getting back on track with that in the next few days.

stay tuned....

Alone

Tonight i feel so very alone. This tends to happen when i am left to my thoughts. Last night i re-read all my e-mails that my ex had sent me in the last two years. he really really loved me. I was very blind to this. I wish i had known then what i know now. One of the hardest things i have ever done is to tell him i was sorry and that i now know that he loved me and that i was unfair and mean and it was uncalled for. I have apologized so many times now, but they were brutal realizations. i just wish i could get more than a "im glad you told me and i appreciate it"

i wish i could just get over him....

Thoughts While At Work

I have decided that women are meant to be "doughy". we look healthier and happier when we have a little meat on our bodies. Lest be totally honest no one wants to sleep next to a hard pokey stick. no one likes being able to count their partners ribs. men on the other hand look far better when they are thin and have some muscle mass. when men are chubby they look like they have either had a beer or two too many or that they are pregnant. however there is always that one man who looks sick when he is thin and the one woman who just doesnt carry her weight well. all that being said women should be happy about the way they look. they should be happy to be curvy and happy. if you were or are a man which would you rather have children with: an anorexic looking bony woman or a woman who is curvy and healthy looking?


On another note...

my personal goals have changed so much in the past 6 months. if you know me at all you know that my goals used to be: fall in love have a family man man baby baby house man baby house. now however my goals have done a 360. i want to move out and live on my own or with a roommate for a while. i really dont see the need for a relationship. serious or not. i can handle not having a man. the break from dating will allow me to focus on what really matters in life. i have been told that it takes half the amount of time you were with some one to get over them. for example say you were with jon doe for 4 years, you should give your self two years to get over them. that being said i have a year left to get over my last heartbreak. i think that i will live up my single time. it takes a very strong person to be able to know and willingly admit that now is not the time for a serious relationship. school has taken the place of a man. i will graduate in december with my associates. and begin to dip my toes in the real world...

LOOK OUT!!!

HDA

Hearts Ache

I seem to continue to let a past flame linger. I love him still. I dont know why. I think I miss the closeness, the good times. I wish I could reintroduce my self to him and start over. I compare every man I talk to to him. No one really is nearly as good as he was/is. Why do sometimes you not realize what you had was so good until its too late. I guess all I can hope for is for him to want to give me a chance again. I promise ive changed.

Why do I even feel this way. he hasnt once asked me how I am, in months.

Why do we love the ones that have the power to hurt us the most.

sometimes the person you really need is the person you didnt think you wanted

HDA

before bed thoughts

SO have you ever wanted something so bad that it haunted you in your dreams?
Have you ever had goals, even short term goals that seemed nearly unattainable?
Have you ever been the center of attention, bad attention?
have you ever been the catalyst to something that turned out to be terrible?
have you ever wanted things back the way they were?
Have you ever felt that you just wernt pretty enough, or thin enough?


I think at some point everyone goes through these emotions. I could be wrong. I know for a fact that i have at some point in my life felt all of these things.

Right now my mind is more or less a jumble of emotions and goals.

What do i want? where am i going?

Well i wish i knew, however lately i have been taking things one day at a time. I see no point in worrying about the little things that come up anymore. Life and relationships are too short to be bothered with such things.

this is not how i planned for this blog entry to go. thanks distractions.

Oh well maybe soon ill have a thought provoking wonderful entry.

HDA